It’s Never Too Late For New
Have you ever felt that choking pressure in the pit of your throat above your collarbone, when someone asks you, “What are you into?”. Because you know it’s art. You know you can’t wait to tell them everything– but you know if you do, what will come next, and that’s what chokes you inside. If you tell them you like to paint, they’ll always most certainly ask without skipping a beat or taking a breath, “Oh so you’re a painter? Are you good at it?” And if they’re especially average they’ll ask, “Do you have any pictures of your work?” Almost as if to ask, “What gives you the right to claim this title? Show me your credibility.”
Then it settles in. The pressure. The judgment. The weight of all the expectations of all the teachers, professionals and friends you’ve encountered covers you, like a weighted blanket, and your knees shake, as you struggle to continue to stand. Your stomach turns with a hollowing nausea and perhaps a pang of regret echoes in the chamber of your chest, like a smoker’s cough, burning your esophagus as it creeps up into your mouth with that ashen taste of shame. But of course, all of this happens in your mind, in seconds, and you feign humility with a socially expected smile and laugh, “Not really. No, I usually get rid of them, haha. What about you? What do you like?” You reply behind the mask of a carefree normal human, desperate to shift the attention back to them, where you know, statistically, neurotypical people enjoy it. And before you know it, they smile and go into the most detailed dissertation about their life, as the blanket slowly slips off your shoulders, and you’re left with the cold chill of embarrassment, smiling and nodding politely in conversation.
Did you survive this exercise? I hope it didn’t cause any second-hand panic, but I had to speak my truth, so maybe, someone who reads this and has felt the same will know they’re not alone.
This is a common experience for many people who are on the autism spectrum, who have adhd, or other mental illnesses. But this is specifically for my adhd babes.
I too have many interests, hyper-fixate on some, become somewhat of a figurative expert, and lose interest. I’ve had an interest in graphic design mostly on and off, like an old high school crush you think you’ve outgrown but think about now and then and think, oh yeah, it was nice feeling that way.
I’ve been working on allowing myself to experiment and try new things again. Due to much of the trauma I’ve endured, it’s daunting to be vulnerable enough to be creative, especially with rejection sensitive dysphoria. But here we are!
I’ve wanted to blog for years. YEARS. I’ve been too afraid of the permanence of the internet and the inevitable backlash of people who enjoy hurting others to ease the hurt in themselves. But I’ve decided that I’m going to try to stop hiding my innermost self in the void, and expressing myself instead. So, here’s to trying new things!
This is probably the strangest blog post announcing an Etsy store, and an intention to actually use this blog I worked so hard to set up, so cheers to that! I’m still debating whether or not I’ll sell my photography on this Etsy, but so far I’m starting with svg files for creatives to use, and other digital templates for organizational and therapeutic purposes.
If you got this far, please comment so I can thank you and send you some virtual good vibes. If you’re on social media, feel free to drop that too, us creatives should connect and share ideas more! Have a great day friend, take care, and be well.
-E.I.S.S.